In Case Your Brain Was Still Intact
by Marcelisabeth Sinclaire
Summary: While it is well-known that I am obsessed with My Immortal, I have recently gained appreciation  or something like it  for the OTHER worst fanfiction ever: Imma Wiserd. Here's a commentary!
1. Chapter 1

AN: afta redin da hairy potty books **(That sounds…delightful…)** (not rly i saw the mooviez lolololol) i desided 2 make mi own hary potty storee.

note 2 da reedars: neva beliv any1 hu sayz a blak man dont like fired chickin **(If you look to the bottom of the chapter, loves, you'll notice that this boy has the nerve to call others 'racist', even after making the previous comment.)**

I wuz sittin out on da porch an mi mama leend out da windo an sayed "watchu doin soulja spirit buu jackson?". **(I do believe he's modeling this story after My Immortal. Why else would he have this crazy-long name?)**

"nuttin much" i said "we gut no food".

"o turtle don cri" **(Yes, loves, he is called [for no reason] 'Turtle'.)**

"na mama i aint mad" **(You cry when you're mad.)** i says. den i loked at da gund n said "i wish i had sum fried chinkin" den... dere wuz fried chikin on da grion!11111111111111 **(The fact that 'grion' is closer to 'groin' than 'ground' leads me to wonder if perhaps he meant to say it was in his lap.)**

"yo buu wuz dat i smel" mi mama said. I lookd arund all snecky like and den i whispad "fried chikin" an it went away. i wuz scared but nut in a afrayed way. den i whispad again "fried chicken" and it appered agan!111 so den i desided 2 tri sumden out. "wattamelon" **(because it wasn't racist enough) **an dere it iz a big ol slice o watrmellon at mah fet. mah mam lend out da door agan "boi now i no i smel sumden"**(from buu to boi. Boooooiiiii!)**. so den i leaned ova and wispad "fired chikin... wattamelon" an dey boat went away. i gut up an says 2 mi mama "lock mama!11 i aint gut nottin!11"

"but im so hundreh" sayed ma mama **(She acts suspicious when he 'has' something, then b*tches when he doesn't. Men-o-paaause!)**. den i felt sad. so i pointed mah finger at da grund an sayed "fried chikin" den a big ol bunmch of fired chikim appeerd. mi mama jumpt an scrammd **(And she b*ches when he actually DOES have something. Men-o-paaause!)**. she ran in da house an slamed da door. "dun cum bak or ill shot ya!" she sayd. so i left. **(And THEN she threatens to shoot him! Hom-i-cid-al ten-den-cieeeees~!)**

so whadda think? IF U FLAM UR RASSIST. **(Flam flam, flim flam jimmity jam, wopper bopper. I'm a rassist!...Sorry, loves, I'm kinda high on fired chikn right now.)**


	2. Chapter 2

AN: im jus ritin dis now becuz i gut a butload o insparashun **(That would be constipation, honey. Not inspiration.)**

den i went 2 hagwats **(That sounds like a sexual slang term, or an STD.)** dena nigga came out a no were an says "hey im harry potter". i turned an said "u aint harry potter!11 i saw him in da movis!" **(Wow….)**

"i no but fo da audeance dey got a wite boi 2 play mi" **(Only three words in the whole sentence were spelled correctly. Impressive.)**

"wat i said. **(Two.)**

"u herd mi" **(ZERO.)**

"dem rassist ppl!" **(Still zero.)**

i entred da big ol place were everabodi eatz an dey put da wiserd hat on mi hed and it says "yo in ravenclaw" **(I love that wiserd hat. 'Yo in Ravenclaw, bitchezzzz.')**

"hey daz were i stay" sed harry potter **(Canon rape! Harry Potter's in Gryffindor)**. den we both went to da room togedder **(Gimme a homo! Gimma a sexual! No, just kidding)**. wen we were dere we saw the dumbldoor **(I've never heard of that kind of door before.)** an he turnt 2 mi an sez "welcum 2 skool distrect 7 (wateva dat meens). **(You're writing this, not me)** im ur dumbledoor." **(This door can turn around! And talk!)**

hairy turnd t mi an seys "dis is da dumbledoor of da entire skool." **(Oooh, one door for the whole school!)**

"hi mistr duumbledoor"

"yo can call mi alvin". **(A chipmunk-themed door.)**

"ok alvin"

"goodbi" he sed an raned out on hiz broomstik. **(Wait…a door on a broomstick? I'm starting to worry…that it isn't what I think it is…could it be?)**

"im sleepi" sed hairy potter **(Where'd the hairy potter appear from? Do they have pottery classes at Hagwats?)**

"butt **(ROFL)** its not even 12 o clock yet" i sed **(Midnight? Do they all turn into fried chicken?)**

"i no but tomorow we hav skool an ill sho u all de pretti girlz an how to play bromstiks" **(You mean QUIDDITCH.)**

"sho" i sed "do u lik 50 cent?"

"do u lik soulja boi?" sed harry **(Socrates says, answer every question with another question.)**

we were best frends. **(That was faster than in Sims3.)**


	3. Chapter 3

AN: im jus crankin dem out!1 if dis keepz up i jus mite publish it! **(Oh, that would be…..lovely….)**

da next day me an hary went doun 2 da big kitchin where all da chillin were chillin :) **(Actually, despite what other commentators have said, I kind of like that little phrase….)**

i sat down at a tabel nex 2 a pak o crackers whu sayd "boi u cnat sit here!" **(Again with the booooiiii. And what kind of crackers? Saltines?)**

"y" i sed

"u haf 2 sit at da bak of da kitchin!" **(Wow. Nobody EVER says that anymore….I wonder if he knows…)**

den hairy came down an sayed "dun mind him. dat tabel is fo da snake ppl. ur a ravencaw **(Ca CAW! Ca CAW!)**! u hav 2 sit at da ravenclaw tabel!" so we sat at da ravinclaw tabel. "dun mind dat cracker. daz rassist." **(WHAT is a CRACKER?)**

"ok" i sed

"des r mi frinds" dere wuz a pretty gurl named herman **(OH GOD NO. That's almost worse that B'loody Mary)**. she fell in love wit me. it wuz so grat. **(Again, faster than Sims!)** we had brekfast togedder. den we went 2 skool **(Apparently Hagwats, unlike Hogwarts, isn't a school_**. furst we had magik class. the teecher wuz an old womin wit glases and an ol droopy suit. "letme see wut u can do" she said. i pointed at da ground. "fried chikin" i sed. **(What the f…)** sum fried chikin apered on da flor. she piked it up an took a bit. **(Pike is a kind of fish. She fished up the chicken?)** "yum yum" she sayed and eatted it all. "i no wut class u should go in. u shud go in da blak magic clas." **(RASSIST!)**

"wut" i sed. **(I love that…so much better than 'what'.)**

"dun worri, im nut rassist" she sad. "sum children r good at blak magik whil odders r wite magik." **(What? I've never heard of that. And how is fried chicken black magic? Apart from the obvious, of course…)**

"well ok" i sed **(I'm surprised he didn't at least call her a cracker.)**

she gave us lots o homwork. **(Why? You didn't learn anything…)**

we had mor classes. den hary tok me outsid. "heres a bromstik" he said. and he gave me a bromstik. **(No, really?)** "wats dis 4?" i sed. "4 bromstiks fool!" harry sed. "dunt get hurt turtle" sed herman. **(I read that every time as "Turrrrrrrtle". Kind of like 'boooiiii')**

"now dis is wut u hav 2 catch" sed hary and he took out a ball wit wings. it flu in2 da ski.

but u hav 2 dog **(Woof woof, bark)** dis cuz it will try an hit u" he took out a big blak ball that hit me in mi hed. "ow i sed"

"sorry" sed hary. he took out his wand an sed "go away" and the big blak ball flu into da sky. **(That's now how it worrrrrrks…..)**

den he tok da biggist ball of dem all. it looked lik a soccer ball. "u have to pass dis so it goes into da hols." he throgh it at me an i caut it. "UR AMAZING" sed harry potter. **(OMG, URRRR AMUUURRRZZZUUURNG) **so we flew up in da sky an began 2 play. mi ballz startd 2 hurt. "my balls hert!" i sed. **(Redundant and repetitive.)**"sit on it lik dis" sed harry potter. an i did.**(Pointless detail.)** meanwhile we playd an alot o ppl came arond an watcht ud. dere wuz so many of dem dat dey filed up all da seets. dey wa cherin. den i saw da flin bal. i didnt wan t harry to see it so i sed "imma gonna go up here fo a whil" **(*whistles innocently)**

"wel alrit as log as u dont cach da snickers!" **(Go Mars Bars!)**

"ok" i sed lik i didn se it.

"wel ok" sed harry potter "bcuz im aboot to put da ball in ur hole!" **(Gimme a homo! Gimme a sexual! Lol, just kidding, y'all.)**

i went up but wen i wuz abut **(What is it with this guy and butts?)** to get it a guy in a big blak cap came in on his brommsticks. He poented his wond at me "die". i den fel off mah bromstik. "AHHHHHHHHH!111111111" i sed. **(One one one one one one one!)**

"TURTLE!11111 **(TTTTTTUUUUUUWWWWRRRRRRTLE one one one!)**" sed herman. da ppl scremd when i wuz fallin. it hit da grund. then i died. **(OH YAY! Much rejoicing~!)**


	4. Chapter 4

An: heres anodder chapper! **Oh, joy. I am so. Happy. P.S. I'm not doing these in parentheses anymore unless they are in the middle of a sentence.**

da next day i wook up in da hosbitel. "ur all betta" sed da nurse. **What? He DIED!**

"nigga don scar me lik dat" sed herman. **I can't picture Hermione saying that word…**

"u almost dyd" sed harry pottr. **He DID die! No 'almost' about it!**

"wut was dat?" i sed.

"it wuz da dark lord vadermort and he wantz to hurt ur mama" **Wow…um….**

"WART?11" i sed **PLANTAR?11**

"u gotta lisin turtle u gotta kill vadermort. it sed so in da profasi"**Is that a kind of Italian meat or something? Profasi?**

"dat sounds dangerus" sed herman

"yeah he wants 2 destroi da world" sed harry

"ok" i sed "if he touchs ma mama IMMA POP A CAP IN DAT NIGGAS ASS!11111" **It's somehow so funny…**

den da dubledoor cam in. "shuddnt u chilldrn b in class?" he sed

"but da dark lard almst killd turtel!11" sed herman **You just can't trust that mayonnaise and shortening…it's not healthy!**

"dun say dat name" sed da vadermort **(WHAT? Where did HE come in?)** "especially u turtle"

"well ill hafta suspind u all" sed dumbeldoor "especially u turtle" **(But he just almost got killed by overdosing on fatty substances!)** den da dumbldor runnd awy on his bromstik. so we all went bak to our rooms. **Did Vadermort leave?**

i went to sleep. when i wuz alssep i saw da man wit da blak cape and da blak coat. dere was a snake coimg out of da front a himself. **(Somehow that actually sounds black…)** he wuz sittin in a char in fron of da fried place. **(THE FRIED PLACE…oh, my sides hurt from laughing…)** he sed 2 da snape "imma kill dat nigga boi soulja spirit buu jackson" I woke up scard. **(Yeah, that was SOOO scary.) **dere wuz som1 under da cofers wit me. it wuz herman. she wuz nekked. "lets hav sex" she said. so she bends over and i stuk my big blak cok in her tinee wite ass. **ACKCH! AAACCHCKKK! *choke* Worst. Sex. Scene. Ever.**

"YES TURTLE YES" she sed. den i cam. an we stop. **Well, that's rude…not even thinking of her pleasure…**"what r u doin" sed harry next to me. "noddin" i sed ambarrist. "oh. i tot i herd somting."

"i didnt heer noddin" i sed. **Never mind that she just yelled YES TURTLE YES…you totally didn't just have sex with Herman.**

"oh, okay" sed harry and he went bak to slep. den we all went doon 2 brekfest. "how did u slep?" sed herman. "gret" i sed an slimed. **Is that the same as 'cam'?**

"what're u guys takken bout" sed harry pottr.

"aww noddin" i sed an i smield. **What is this random jumbling?**

"yeh" sed herman an she smiled. **Ohhh….he meant 'smiled' all along…**

"yeh" i sed an i slmied 2. **YOU ALREADY WERE SMIELING. You don't need to slmie as well.**

"what r u boiz smilin bout?" sed da dumbeldoor. **Herman's a boy?**

"ah noddin"

"well u had bettr hury up an get 2 clss" sed da dubledoor.

"ok we sed an den we went 2 magik class **Ooooh….descriptive.**

"did u all do ur homerk?" sed da teakher?

"i didnt" i sed.

"why not, turtle! u hav such potenshal!" she sed **Is she stupid?**

"bcuz he was almost kiled bi vadermort" we sed.

"u fot vadermort? u must b a grat wizrd!" she sed. "fin u get an a+" she sed. **Yes, yes she is.**

we sat thro class.

AN: haha u thot i wuz ded didnt u! well i trikd u lololol mor chpters cummin soon **Oh. Yay. Much. Rejoicing. ~.**


	5. Chapter 5

AN: tanks 4 all da gud reveuz! recntly i watched da hary pottr moovies again so i cud get ma fadcts strat.

"helo everabodi mah nam is magik jonson" sed magik jonson. **WHAT.**

"water u doin techin dis class" i sed

"im ur techer" sed magik jonson "dey duont call mi magik 4 noddin!1 wen i quit bascetball i bcam a techer at hogwats" i loked arond da room. dere wuz alot o niggas in dis class. an... DRACO!111 but he sat at da bak o da classrom.

"class 2day we will lurn how 2 sumon patronises" **I don't think watching the movies helped you get your facts straight. Magic Johnson has nothing to do with Hogwarts, and you don't learn how to summon Patronuses until, like, fifth year…not to mention that there are a significantly low number of black children attending Hogwarts. Certainly not enough to fill up a whole class.**

"wuz a patronis" i sed

"ull see" sed magik jonson.

so we went in2 da midle off da room

"normaly wen pracisin wit partorises we normally use dememtors... but seeing as how dis is a blak magik class" an he winked "were gonna use somtin alidle bit diferant" he went ova to da closet an opned in. an out came... A KLUKKLUCKSKLANMAN!1111 **Kluk Klucks Klan? ROTFL! Here at the Kluk Klucks Klan, we love chickens. Bawk bawk buh-bawk!**

so we all wnet up an did r patronises. ron did a snak. jenni did a egele. den i cam up an did a big o dragen. "DAZ AMAZING" sed magik jonson. **Wow. Nice one.**

den draco cam up an did a cjickin cuz he wuz a chikin. "dat wuz dum" sed magik jonson "u fail".**(If only teachers could really say that…)** drako wen bak 2 da bak of da room. **He's going to join the Kluk Klucks Klan.**

den da police came an arrestd me fo no reson. "wuz goin on" sed makig jonson. "ur under arrest" sed da cops. an dey tok me away an i wen to jail. **Dose rassist ppl.**

An: suzpensfl iznt it? nex chapta cummin soon.

N: im glad 2 see dat evry1 likd mi stori so i desided 2 rit da nex chapta now!111 **WHO liked it? Besides me…I kind of like it…**

i wuz in jail. it wuz cold but i had a cot an a toylet an mi romatez nam wuz kiwan. i wuz sad. **I'm sorry, but this doesn't make any sense. They can't have arrested him for no reason, and he can't be randomly in jail without some sort of interrogation, yes?**

"let mi out!11" i sed.

"no" he sed. **Kiwan? He's the one not letting you out? WHAAA….**

"why did yo put mi in here i didnt do aniting" i sed.

"bcuz ur a nigger an as u no we da police hate niggers" **Kiwan's on the force?**

"U CANT US DAT WORD" sed kiwan **Oh, wait, it was another random character saying all that crap.**

"yeh daz r word" i sed.

"nigger nigger niger" he sed an began 2 laff.

"well i no a word u mite like" i sed "DRAGEN!111111" den a dragen cam out. **Do you mean Expecto Patronum? Really?**

"!11111111111111111111111" he sed as the ragen began 2 eat him **Patronuses don't eat people.**

"hes a blak magicon!1" sed anodder gard. **Blak Magicon? Is that a convention, like Otakon and Katsucon?**

"den i gess well haf 2 tak away his wand!1" sed annoder. an dey did.

"now u cant us magic!1" sed kiwan "but i wish u did... dey dont feed niggas lik us in jail..."

den i had an idea. "du u lik fried chickin"

"sho i do" he sed "but not all blak ppl lik fried chikin. dat wud be rassist" **Well, I'm glad he cleared that up. *points back to first chapter***

"ok" i sed an pointed at da grund an sed "fried chickin" an dere it was. **What? Without a wand?**

"hooooray!1111111111111111" sed kiwan. "ur da gratist wiserd iv eva nown!"

den... da fried chickin startd 2 chang... it wuz... VADERMORT!1111111111111 **Nice going, Tuwwwrtle. You summoned Vadermort with your DAMN fried chicken.**

"die" he sed but kiwan jumpd in da wai an his hed esploded!

"beep" sed vadermort **Beep. BEEP. BEEP? BEEP! BEEP? **_**BEEP? **_**What the hell?**

"turtle! get mi uzi! its i n mi left pokket!1" sed kiwan. an i did. an i shot bullets on vadermort. **Kiwan's head already esploded! He can't be alive!**

"IM DIING!" sed vadermort. blod wuz goin evrywere.

"never trust a blak wizard"**(That is so rude. Lee Jordan is a perfectly nice young man, as is Dean Thomas.)** i sed. an i sed "DRAGEN" an dere wuz more blod evrywere.

"AHHHH IM DIING EVEN MOR!11" sed vadermort. **Technically, everyone is dying right now, so I suppose that statement is logical.**

den he fel on da grund ded.

"U KILLD VADERMORT!111" sed harry potter **who appeared out of nowhere.**

"GUD JOB" sed magik jonson.

den snap cam up an sed "cum 2 mi oriface" ***snicker snicker* SEXXXX…..**

AN: but dunt worri dis is nut da last uv herd of darth vader!111 **Au contraire…I believe Darth Vader, aka Anakin Skywalker, was killed in that movie with all the teddy bear midgets. (yes, yes, I know that 'midget' is a slur and the movie had a lot more than teddy bears in it.)**


	6. Chapter 6

"my my what an ingoyable **(So far from 'enjoyable' that only with context can it be understood)** meal" sed snape totchin da sids of his moth **(Mothra LIVES!)** wit his napkin. he wuz sitin at his desk eatin. i wuz sitin in a char in front of his desk. i wasn't eatin. he wiped his hands off on da napikn an folded it in a tryangl bside his plat. **This paragraph is just so descriptive.**

"you moronic negresint layabout. do you know why i brot you here?" sed snape.

i didnt no. **Brot = German for 'roll'. Do you know why I rolled you here?**

"leef da poor boi alone" sed hagrid. **What, is he going to have a pedocrush on the protagonist in this story as well?**

"no. i think he shud be expeled." sed snape.

"well why" sed da dubleedor.

"becuz he brot a gun to school." sed snape.

"but he wuz trien 2 fite vadermort" sed herman.

"thats no alabi" sed snape. "he hangs at sundown" **What is this, the Old West?**

"WAT!1111" sed harry potre.

"you heard me" sed snape.

"its tru" sed da dumbledoor "bringin a gun 2 skool is punishable by death. especally if ur blak" **Dem rassist ppl.**

"!11111111111111" sed herman. **So what, she screamed a series of 'one's?**

"but wayt! da suns alreddy down!" i sed. **Way to go, idiot…**

"then i guess we have to hang you now!" sed snape.

"N

"!111111111111111" sed herman. an began 2 cry.**She's so annoying!**

den... out of no were... HARRY POTTER BUST IN2 DA ROOM!11111 **This makes perfect sense. Do not confuse Harry Potter, British teen wizard, with Harry Potre, Mexican exchange student. Yeah, yeah, I know…racist.**

"hey wait! u cant kill turtle! den hus goona kill vadermort!" he sed.

i wuz standin on da stage wit ma hed in da rope. **Dat wuz fast.**

hermon wuz dreesed in a blak dress wit a vail an cryin on harys sholder. **Why is she in a gothic wedding dress? TARA, GO AWAY!**

"hahaha" sed snape. it wuz thunderin an lightnin and rain wuz fallin everywere. **(Wow…dramatic much? At least there wasn't snow mixed in there.) **"with you gone, vadermort can rule then world!111"

i wuz a gonner.

AN: now dat wuz excitin!111 sorry it tok so long. i had to look up those big words for snape bcuz hes wite an probably jewish. **The biggest word Snape said was "layabout", which isn't that hard to spell. I suppose that 'enjoyable' could be considered long, but it wasn't even remotely correct.**


End file.
